Learning the Hard Way
by inufan1369
Summary: Shuichi holds a dark secret that led him to attempted suicide. Will he reveal what's behind his veil, or will he keep his dark secret hidden away. PLEASE R&R!
1. Chapter 1

I'm sorry, Yuki. I messed up big time. It's not like before...my little mistakes could be forgiven then. This time I can't take it back. I want to so bad, too. I just want to reverse time and start over, and make sure that this never happened. Sadly, I can't. It's eating me up inside and I have to tell you, I just have to. But I don't know how to tell you. I'm a bad liar, so I know that I am definatly sticking out like a sore thumb trying to come up with excuses to tell you... I can see the suspicion in your face, and I see the worry. You fear for the worst, don't you, my love? That's what I was afraid of. Because I have done the worst. This..this is unforgivable. It's not your fault that this happened, either. It's all mine. One thing led to another and then I ended up putting myself in the lowest situation that I have ever been in. I'm the dirt now. I deserve to be trodden on. I'm trying to put that past behind me. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to remember what I have done...because all it would do is hurt you. This..this...diabolical act that I have done will do nothing but destroy you. I don't want that. I know it's not good to hide thing away inside, but dammit Yuki, I can't and I won't hurt you! I don't care about whatever punishment I may get, because the worst punishment I could ever recieve would be to see hurt fill your eyes. I couldn't bear that, Yuki. I just couldn't. You and I share a bond, right. We aren't just lovers...we are a part of each other, right? We are supposed to share anything with each other.. But not this..no, I can't. It isn't fair because you told me of your past..But mine is different. Much different. I can't stand to see you ache. I'm sorry, Yuki. I hope there is some room for forgiveness in your heart. I allowed myself to be intimidated, led in false hope that everything would be ok..and now look where it's led me. Lying in a pool of my own blood. The only thing I know to do is to rid myself of this world. Because I have no purpose here..except to mess everything up. I have gotten to thinking, about yours and my past together. I have done nothing by cause you trouble. Like bothering you while you were working, or waking you up in the middle of the night because I was cold, or being so loud, or never giving up to start with. I can see it now, Yuki. You wanted me gone. I know you did. I don't see that as much now as I did before, but now, looking back, I can see it. Very well. I love you, Yuki. No matter what, I won't leave your side...I made that promise. And I intend to keep it..even in death. Please don't linger on the past...especially on something like me. Everything will be ok. You made it fine without me before..I think you can make it now. I'm sorry for messing everything up. I'm sorry for messing up so badly that I have been reduced to this...bloody heap on the floor of your kitchen. Be happy, Eiri. 

Love forever, Shindo Shuichi

Yuki Eiri gripped the note tightly in his hand, fighting ferociously to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. There Shuichi was, just as the note had said, lying in a bloody heap on the kitchen floor, both wrists slit, the knife still gripped tightly in his hand.

He knew that Shuichi was acting differently. He wasn't speaking to him, and if he did he would give nervous replies and run away without even finishing what he was saying. Eiri mentally slapped himself.. He should have seen this coming. He should have acted upon it. He should have shown Shuichi a little more concern, then maybe he wouldn't be dying on his kitchen floor. Shuichi's wounds were fresh, because the blood was still oozing out of the slits on his wrists.

Yuki stuffed the note in his pocket and grabbed two dishtowels out of a drawer nearby and tied them around firmly around Shuichi's wrists. --That should stop the bleeding, at least for now-- Eiri thought as he gathered his dangerously pale lover in his arms and carried him to his car. He carefully laid him down in the backseat, got into the driver seat and made his way quickly to the hospital. Lucky, hardly anyone was out driving on this very day.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever, thought it was only a few minutes. He got of the car and proceeded to gather Shuichi out of the backseat. A doctor was pulling into the hospital parking lot to start his shift. He noticed a tall blonde pulling someone out of the backseat. That person looked awfully pale, so he ran over to the blonde to see what was wrong. When he approached he immediatly recognized the two.

"Yuki Eiri and Shindo Shuichi"  
"Hai, now can you please get him in quickly before he bleeds to death." Eiri said angrily, noticing that blood was starting to seep through the dishtowels that were wrapped around poor Shuichi's arms.

"Hai, right this way"  
The doctor led Eiri into the hospital where he immediatly gathered a group of random nurses that were roaming the hallway. "Is there a free spot in the ER? This boy needs a blood transfusion immediatly"  
"Yes, sir." the nurse bowed and ran to check into the ER. She came back less than a minute later telling the doctor there was a free spot and she would have to blood to him pronto.

"I'm going to have you to ask to let us take him." the doctor told Eiri, who was still carrying the dying Shuichi.  
Eiri was reluctant.

"Yuki Eiri-san, gomen"  
Yuki sighed and allowed Shuichi to be taken from him and put onto the hospital bed that was being rolled over to him.

"I will let you know of any updates." the doctor told Eiri before rushing into the elevator, Shuichi lying on the bed, his blood staining the pure white sheets.

Eiri made his way to the waiting room. Take the note out of his pocket, he reread it, taking in every word that was sloppily written down.

"What did you do that was so wrong, Shu?" Eiri said to himself. He let the tears he had been fighting fall freely. "Damn, Shuichi, don't you die on me..."


	2. Chapter 2

Yuki checked his watch: 5:23 a.m. He had been in the waiting room for over 3 hours and still no news on Shuichi. He had read over the note over one hundred times trying to figure out what Shuichi meant when he said he messed up big time, that what he did was unforgivable.

"Shuichi.." he said to himself for the thousanth time. All he could see in his head was an image of Shuichi's small body lying on the floor in a pool of blood. He could still see the blood coming out of the slits on his wrists...like it would never stop, like it was a never ending flow.

Lost in his daydream Eiri didn't notice the doctor approach him until the doctor said, "Yuki Eiri-san."

Yuki looked up into the doctors face. Now that he was actually focusing, he saw the doctor had dark red hair and a very kind face. But, at the moment that kind face was etched with worry.

"How is he?" Yuki asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"He lost a lot of blood but he had a successful transfusion. He is in stable condition, and woke up about an hour ago. I have been talking with him, and I am worried about what amount of stress he seems to be carrying."

"What do you mean stress?" Yuki asked, confusion eating away at his mind.

"When he woke up he looked disappointed. Then he started crying and saying strange things to himself like, 'why did I not just die? I can't tell Yuki'. It had me worried, so when I tried talking to him he said that he was the lowest and that he didn't know if he could face his past anymore, that he has lost all will to live."

Yuki's head dropped in sadness and confusion. He studied the white floor, fighting the tears back. Shuichi didn't have a will to live anymore? What did he do that was so bad to cause this much harm?

"Yuki-san?"

"Can I see him?"

Yuki looked up at the doctor's face with a pleading look. The doctor's eyebrows furrowed.

"Are you sure you want to see him? After what you had to see bringing him in here.."

"Yes, I am sure." Yuki butted in harshly. He hadn't meant to be so hard on the man, after all he did look worn out, and he had a huge job on his hands.

But, thankfully, the doctor understood and nodded to Yuki and asked him to follow. Yuki's feet drug the floor as they made their way to the elevator. His heart began to pound. He was anxious to see his pink-haired, pop-star lover. The elevator stopped on the fourth floor and the two men stepped out and started walking down the hallway. Yuki had to squint his eyes. The hospital was too white, too bright.

They stopped at the last room at the end of the hallway. The doctor stood in front of the door, his hand on the door knob, his eyes searching Yuki's face for any sign of wanting to turn back. Yuki took a deep, steadying breath, putting on his calm face, though his insides were raging. He nodded at the doctor who in return opened the door and allowed him to pass through.

Shuichi was sitting up in the hospital bed looking out the window with a blank expression on his face. He turned his face when he heard the door open, expecting to see the doctor come in to make his checks, but instead saw Yuki. His heart twisted into a knot and it was all he could do to keep from crying.

Yuki saw the sadness and guilt form on Shuichi's face. He felt as if his stomach dropped into his intestines, he felt sick.

"Y-yuki.." Shuichi choked out, fighting back his tears.

Yuki stared at him for a moment before walking to the bedside and sitting on the edge of the bed. His back was to Shuichi, his face downcast.

"Why?" Yuki said sadly. "Why did you do that?"

Shuichi's eyes dropped to his lap, no longer fighting back the tears. He started sobbing. Yuki turned his head and looked at his lover. His heart broke seeing his so sad. He took him carefully in his arms, his mouth close to Shuichi's ear.

"Why did you try and leave me, Shu?"

Shuichi clutched the front of Yuki's shirt which quickly got soaked. Yuki ignored it and held his lover tight in his arms. He slowly rubbed his back trying to calm him down.

"I'm so sorry, Yuki. I made a huge mistake." Shuichi whispered through his sobs.

Yuki stayed quiet, listening to his lover closely, hoping that he would tell him what he done that was so wrong. Yuki put his hand underneath his lover's chin and lifted his face to his. He stared into Shuichi's violet eyes with deeper emotion than Shuichi had ever seen, which brought even more tears to his eyes.

"Shuichi, whatever you have done, I don't care. Yes, I want to know, but if you aren't ready to let me know, then I will wait. Just don't you ever, ever, EVER think about killing yourself again. How could I live with myself if I don't have you with me?"

His lips met Shuichi's, whose heart was pounding feriociously. He had been wanting to hear words like that come from Yuki's mouth for a long time. But in the back of his mind he couldn't help but think 'Oh, Yuki, if you only knew what really happened. Would you really not care?'.

Shuichi returned Yuki's kiss, clutching Yuki's front, ignoring the pain in his wrists.

'I'm sorry, Yuki..But you can never know what happened...you can never know...' 


	3. Chapter 3

(a/n): Chapter 3!!! Yes, chapter 3!! I don't really have much to say about this one. Um, Shuichi comes home..that's about it. And the doctor seems to know something that Yuki doesn't. hmm Dramatic irony going on. lol PLEASE REVIEW

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation.

"Thank you for your time, doctor." Yuki bowed to the red-headed doctor before him. He recieved a bow in return.

Yuki turned to see Shuichi sitting on the steps just outside the hospital door. He had his knees to his chin staring ahead of him, poorly disguised with his sunglasses and Nittle Grasper cap. Yuki frowned at the sight of his lover. And frown even deeper at the white bandages wrapped around his wrists.

"You would never think that someone like him would stoop so low as to try and kill himself." the doctor said more to himself than Yuki, though Yuki heard him loud and clear.

He looked at the doctor in suspicion.

"What do you mean?"

The doctor looked at him in suprise. He laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his head.

"Well," he replied, "he just seems so happy. I mean, seeing him in TV and stuff..."

Yuki glared.

"Don't always believe everything you see on TV." Yuki said turning his face away from the doctor and back to Shuichi.

The doctor looked at him, a confused expression on his face. Yuki turned his back to him.

"People like Shuichi have to put on shows...acts...make themselves seem happier than they are, just for their fans' sake. What kind of good artist would let his fans' know his weaknesses." Yuki said slowly, his voice gruff, tired, and confused. "Poor Shuichi, he was always different. He can always bounce back from any situation easily, no matter what is was that happened. He has been put through so much in his career, and he always can bounce back and forget about the past easily. That's what worries me. Usually by now he would be bouncing around being his usual, annoying self. But this..this is just scary."

The doctor nodded to Yuki's back. "If this leaks out to the press then who knows what would happen."

Yuki turned to the doctor abruptly and said with a fiery voice, grabbing the front of the doctor's shirt, "Speak nothing of this! If you do so much as say a single word, I swear I'll.."

"I assure you, Eiri-san," the doctor replied prying Yuki's hand off his shirt, "that I will not say a thing."

Yuki nodded, letting the doctor go and again turning his back.

"But, I must ask you something..."

Yuki replied, "Ask me what?"

"Has Shindo mentioned anything about why he decided to kill himself?"

"No..why?" Yuki's suspicion growing in his voice.

"Oh, nothing, I was just curious."

Yuki turned his head and glared at the doctor. "He will tell me when he is ready."

"I understand, Eiri-san. Tell Shuichi I wish him the best of luck."

Yuki replied with a grunt before stopping and looking back at the doctor who was now waving at him.

"Wait a minute...why'd you--" The doctor was already down the hall and out of earshot.

Yuki cursed to himself. That doctor addressed his lover by his first name, like he was familiar with him...

Shuichi looked blankly ahead of him, not really noticing anything that was in front of him. He was scared. Yuki would be keeping a close eye on him now. He knew he should tell the novelist what lead up to this, but he just couldn't muster up the courage. He didn't want to hurt the love of his life. He didn't want Yuki to leave him...

He looked up seeing Yuki walk out of the hospital.

"Ready to go?" Yuki asked him in a soft voice.

Shuichi nodded and allowed Yuki to help him to his feet. They walked to Yuki's car. It smelled bad because of the dry blood in Yuki's back seat from Shuichi's wrists, but both ignored it and went home in silence. Every now and then Shuichi would feel Yuki's glance burn into him. He would turn his face to his beautiful lover, give him a smile, sweet smile, take his free hand and squeeze, recieving a squeeze back.

"Yuki, are you angry?" Shuichi said as they pulled into the apartment complex parking lot.

"No." Yuki answered after a moment. "Just..nothing."

"No, Yuki, you can tell me. It's okay." Shuichi said, wanting to know what his lover thought about the situation.

"You scared the hell out of me, Shu." he answered. "I can still see you lying there...It was scary, sickening, and I never want to go through that again."

"I'm sorry." Shuichi whispered.

"Quit saying that, Shu." Yuki growled. After sitting with Shuichi overnight hearing him say that over and over, he just didn't want to hear it at all. After all, Yuki felt like it was his fault anyways.

Shuichi looked down at his knees. Yuki turned the ignition off and got out of the car. Shuichi followed suit and they walked up to their apartment.

Yuki unlocked the door, they both walked in. Shuichi looked around the apartment. It was the same old apartment that he had seen everyday for the past two years of being with Yuki, but everything felt so new to him now. He felt like a stranger, uncomfortable.

Yuki went into the kitchen. The pool of blood was still there, only dried now, a dull brown. Yuki wrinkled his nose in disgust while grabbing some paper towels, wetting them, and getting on his knees to wipe away the blood.

"Yuki?" Shuichi said walking into the kitchen, seeing him on his hands and knees cleaning the floor.

"Why don't you go and lay down or something. Get some rest." he answered without even looking at his lover, still wiping away the blood.

Shuichi looked down at his feet.

"I don't like that doctor." he said aloud to himself.

Yuki looked over at him. "You don't like that doctor?"

Shuichi looked up in shock, realizing that he had talked aloud.

"Oh, uh, it..it's nothing." he said quickly. "I'm going to go watch TV..."

"Shuichi." Yuki said in a final tone making Shuichi stop in his tracks. "Is there something about that doctor that I need to know about?"

"No, not at all." Shuichi put on a fake grin. "I just didn't like him, that's all."

Shuichi turned on his heels and went back into the living room. Yuki could hear the television being turned on.

"Me either." he said, finishing up the floor.

'I almost ratted myself out.' Shuichi thought, his eyes focused on the TV, but he wasn't really watching it. 'You musn't know, Yuki. You musn't know. I shouldn't even be alive right now. Why did you save me, Yuki? Why didn't you just let me die?'

Yuki walked up to his lover and sat beside him on the couch. He knew Shuichi wasn't watching TV because his eyes weren't focused. His eyes were drawn day to the white bandages on his lover's wrists. He gently ran a finger down one arm, feeling the stitches that was keeping his lovers skin together to heal. The nurses said that they could put Shuichi through laser surgery to take away the scars that he will have and the press, or anyone else at that matter, would know of that happened. Shuichi gladly agreed. That was the last thing he wanted..the press to know.

Shuichi flinched feeling his lover run his finger down his wrist. He looked over at Yuki seeing the utter sadness in his blonde angel's eyes.

'Oh, God, no matter what I do I still hurt him. Why am I such a mess up?'

"Shuichi, what did you do that brought you to this?" Yuki said, still rubbing his lover's bandages, looking into those big violet eyes, searching for answers.

Shuichi knew that question was coming. He wasn't ready to answer it. He would never be ready to answer it. But he couldn't keep it from Yuki. He was hurting Yuki by not telling him. He would hurt Yuki by telling him. Either way, there was no easy solution. Either way, it was going to end up the same.

He sighed, his eyes fixed on the floor.

"A lot of things." he answered.

Yuki looked confused. "A lot of things?"

"Mhm. To make a long story short...I deliberatly defied what you asked me not to do, I cheated on you, and I...I..."

Yuki had ceased to breathe.

"What, Shuichi, what?!" He was becoming more and more desperate for details.

"I..."

(A/N): AHH guys please don't hate me for ending it like this! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I was just about to get to his confession. I want a whole chapter to tell what all happened. So, bear with me. I'm trying hard. Please review! 


	4. Chapter 4

(A/N): Chapter 4! This is what you all wanted, so here it is...Shuichi's confession.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.

Capitalized words are a song.

Chapter 4

I TOOK THEIR SMILES AND I MADE THEM MINE I SOLD MY SOUL JUST TO HIDE THE LIGHT AND NOW I SEE WHAT I REALLY AM A THIEF, A WHORE, AND A LIAR

Shuichi's POV:

It was after we had our fight, you remember that, don't you? You didn't throw me out, more like I threw myself out. I felt really bad after that. I wanted to go back, but I couldn't make myself do it. I was too hurt to go back. I decided then and there that you didn't want me around anymore.

As much as I told myself to go back my legs wouldn't let me turn around and go back to you. I yearned for you, Yuki, but I couldn't do it. I walked away, getting furthur away from you. I couldn't face you again, at least not right now. You needed to calm down a little bit...well, a lot, you were really mad after all.

I RUN TO YOU I CALL OUT YOUR NAME I SEE YOU THERE FARTHUR AWAY

I spent that night at Hiro's. He did really well and respected my wishes of leaving me alone. I didn't want to face anyone at that time. I really thought that it was over with us, Yuki. You told me that you didn't want to see my face anymore. You said that you were tired of having to deal with me all the time. But, I still loved you, Yuki.

It was late that night and I couldn't get any sleep. About three in the morning I got out of bed and decided to go for a walk. I didn't really care how late it was, I needed the air. I didn't even go out with a jacket. I just went.

I'M NUMB TO YOU--NUMB, DEAF, AND BLIND YOU GIVE ME ALL BUT THE REASON WHY I REACH BUT I FEEL ONLY AIR AT NIGHT NOT YOU, NOT LOVE, JUST NOTHING

I went to the place that you and I first met. It was so beautiful. I could still see your figure standing there reading my as you said "grade school level" lyrics. I began to weep. It had only been a few hours, but I missed you like I hadn't seen you in months. It was too much to take. I had to get away. I just wanted to sink into the ground and cease to exist.

It was then that I heard someone speaking to me.

"Hey, kid, what's the matter?"

I turned and saw a man with a very kind face and even kinder smile. He was dressed in a white lab coat with a tag on it that had Tokyo's hospital logo on it, so I automatically knew that he was a doctor.

"It's nothing." I replied feebly.

I started to walk away but the doctor put his hand on my shoulder, making me stop in my tracks. I turned around to face him, and upon him seeing my face, his eyes grew wide in shock.

"You are Shindo Shuichi of Bad Luck, aren't you?"

"Uh...yeah..." I replied, this man scaring me a little bit. Sometimes my fans really scare me, especially with those wide-eyed expressions they always got on their faces.

"Really?! Wow! Is it true that you and Yuki Eiri have a relationship?" he asked my with unwavering enthusiasm.

Hearing your name made me weep even more.

TRY TO FORGET YOU BUT WITHOUT YOU I FEEL NOTHING DON'T LEAVE ME HERE BY MYSELF I CAN'T BREATHE

"Shindo?" the doctor said in confusion as I sunk to my knees.

"Why, why Yuki?" I said aloud to myself. "You have no idea, Yuki..."

The doctor knelt down and lifted my chin so I would look him in the eye. His eyes shown with something I couldn't quite make out. Getting a closer look at him, he looked rather young, not much older that you, Yuki.

"He seems to have hurt you a lot."

I couldn't look him in the eye. I felt ridiculous. I am famous Shindo Shuichi..I shouldn't be kneeled on the ground crying in front of a fan... But, I was. And at the moment, I wanted time to turn back..all the way back, to before I even met you. That way I could avoid meeting you...from ending up like this.

"My name is Riku Usimaki, M.D. Why don't you come with me. I bet I can make you feel better." he said with a wide grin on his face.

He looked so kind and inviting, and I wanted anything to feel better, so of course I jumped on the chance. I felt a little out of place leaving with a complete stranger, but he and I talked a lot on the way to wherever he was leading me, and I got to know him a little better, so it wasn't as uncomfortable.

He took me to a rather fancy looking apartment. Much like yours, Yuki, but with a lot more stuff in it. He had a ton of overstuffed chairs, pictures on the walls, bookshelves scattered here and there, coffee tables never unavaliable wherever you are. It was a little messy and cramped, but cozy looking all the same.

"Care for a drink?" he asked me, pulling his lab coat off revealing his loose faded yellow tee shirt and khaki pants.

"Uh..."

"I got all kinds of stuff. Except beer. I don't like beer. Straight liquor is good for me." he said with a chuckle.

"I..uh...I..."

"Ah, come on, loosen up. You're cool here with me."

I made a promise to you a long time ago that I wouldn't drink ever again. You said you don't like it when I do, you say that I do really stupid things...even stupider than what I do now. But, I wanted to give you up so badly. We weren't together anymore, or at least I thought that at that moment. I nodded to him and he poured me some kind of liquor I had never seen before. I didn't want to do it, and I could have easily turned it down...but, you were tearing at my heart and my mind, and I wanted it to stop.

After a few drinks, well, more than a few, the guy kept pouring me more and more, he and I sat in his bedroom laughing like a couple of idiots. Either he had a low alcohol tolerancy or he was a really good actor, because he hadn't had that many drinks and he was already drunk.

"Hey, Shindo-kun, do you know what this is?" he asked me, pulling out a bag from under his bed, of some green leafy stuff.

"Is that weed?" I asked stupidly, drunk but still sober enough to know what things were.

"Sure is..want to try it?" he said opening the bag.

"I thought-hic-doctors were against that stuff." I said a little louder than I needed to.

He cringed at my loud voice, but chose to ignore it and shook his head. "I am one of those doctors that wants it legalized."

(A/N): Here in America, marijuana (weed) is illegal. But some want it to be legal to put in medication. I don't know how it is anywhere else.

It took me a while, but I finally got it through my head what he was asking me. I didn't want to do it either, but I could still feel you lurking in my mind and I wanted you out. I agreed to the weed. It tasted horrible, bitter, and I didn't like it. But, the way it made me feel was amazing. I felt like I was flying. Every little thing was funny, and I felt hungrier than usual (which is saying something because I am always hungry). The doctor, Riku, whatever you want to call him, didn't have any. He just sat there and watched me gag at the four joints he gave me, some menacing look in his eye getting brighter, though I was too high to notice it.

"How do you like it, Shu?"

"It's gross." I said taking the last drag off the fourth joint, a giggle escaping my lips. "Dude, you look funny."

"Is that novelist still on your mind?" he asked leaning into me and whispering in my ear.

I shook my head, giggling at how his breath was tickling my ear.

"That's good." he said, pushing my down on the bed and throwing his legs over me. He put his face really close to mine, a vicious smile on his face.

"Dude, what are you doing?" I asked, smiling. I felt really fluttery. In the back of my mind I knew this was wrong, but I didn't care. I was happy...or the weed made me happy.

"Shh... Just take it easy." He drew his hand under my shirt, feeling my stomach, making me moan as he hit and tender spot, just below my belly button. "Your skin is so soft, Shuichi."

He kept bringing his hands up until he had completely removed my shirt. He started kissing my neck, my collarbone, my chest, that tender spot on my stomach. I couldn't help but giggle and moan.

"Ah, what you doing, Riku?" I said grabbing him by the hair as he undid my pants button, still kissing that tender area.

"Just relax and enjoy it, Shu..."

Sad thing is, I remember everything that happened that night. Even waking up with the horrible hangover, I still remembered everything. The feeling of remorse, desperateness, dirtiness, everything came flooding on to me. You were the first thing that came to my mind. Seeing that doctor laying beside me naked, a satisfied smile on his face made me sick. I tried sneaking out of bed, but I felt his arms wrap tightly around me. I tried to struggle free, but I was too weak.

"What's the matter, Shuichi-kun?" he whispered in my ear.

"Lemme go." I muttered, holding back my tears.

"What? Feeling bad now that you screwed some other guy behind that novelist's back? Ah, that's too bad. You weren't saying that last night."

"You had me drunk and high!" I screamed, struggling again to get him to let me go.

"No, you had yourself drunk and high. I just offered."

"I don't care! Let me go!"

I broke free from him, quickly got out of the bed, grabbed my clothes that were piled on the floor and ran from the room. When I was out of sight of him I put them on and ran. Ran for my life.

I dug my hands in my pockets after slowing down to a walk when I was sure I was a long ways away from that doctor's house. I felt something in it; it was a crumpled sheet of paper. Inside was your handwriting. It read, "With you forever, Shu." You must have put it in there before we had our fight, I do recall you sticking your hand in my pocket.

I chocked back a scream as I fell to the ground, sobs escaping my mouth. You hadn't wanted to leave me then, but I ruined it all when we got into that fight. And then going behind your back and doing all that...I could take it. I didn't feel worth anything anymore. I was lower than the dirt on the ground. I felt like the dirt lying there sobbing.

"I'm so sorry, Yuki...I love you."

I went back here to your apartment, wrote the note, placed it on the pillow beside me, went into the kitchen and put that knife to my wrist. I didn't think I would do it at first, but I did. I felt somewhat relieved...I heard you come in just before I blacked out.

-------------------------

"That's what happened, Yuki. That's why I don't deserve..to live."

(A/N): Chapter 4 done. There ya go. What Shuichi did to make him want to die. PLEASE REVIEW! I need to know if it was a good story line or not. I'm not done with it, yet, but I need some feedback. 


	5. Chapter 5

**(A/N): Chapter 5!! I'm sorry that it has been taking a while to update on this one! It's the final chapter..**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation.**

_Italicized words are songs_

_**Bold, italicized words are thoughts. **_

Chapter 5:

"I did you so wrong, Yuki. I was too caught up in myself that I completely blacked you out and didn't even care to think about how I made you feel after that fight..." Shuichi sobbed.

He didn't feel any better. If it was possible he felt worse.

_**Yuki, you'll never forgive me...I know you won't...I'm so sorry!**_

Yuki didn't know what to say. He sat and stared at his lover, his mouth slightly hanging open, his eyes wide with shock. In his head Shuichi's confession was raging.

_**He tried to forget me...tried to black me out...all because of that stupid fight we had. Shuichi...**_

"I ruined everything... I shouldn't be here right now. I shouldn't be sitting here beside you. I knew that this would hurt you. I knew I had to die, because I couldn't escape hurting you."

"And you think that dying would make me feel any better?!" Yuki yelled. Shuichi looked up at him in suprise, tears still leaking from his eyes. Yuki grabbed Shuichi and pulled him into a tight embrace. "Shuichi, when I told you at the hospital that I didn't care about what you did I meant it. Stop blaming yourself for all of this. It's my fault that the fight started in the first place. I am the one to blame. If anything, I am the one who should be in your position."

Shuichi clutched the front of Yuki's shirt, new sobs escaping his lips. "No, Yuki.."

"I'm sorry for putting so much hurt on you, Shu." Yuki whispered in his lover's ear. "That fight was ridiculous. All you wanted was for me to listen to you, and I was selfish...I didn't mean anything I said, though, Shu. Not a word. I never wanted you to leave. Before that fight I had been thinking about us. And, I wanted to let you know that I never want you to leave..I don't know why, but I couldn't come out and say it. So, I thought that writing it down was the next best thing to do. I stuck that slip of paper in your pocket when you weren't paying attention. I don't know why I am such a jerk to you, Shuichi. But, I swear, I never wanted you to leave."

"Yuki..."

"I really thought I had lost you, Shu. I felt horrible. I really never want to be put through that again. I killed a man before, and I felt like I had killed you, too. I am the one who should be sorry."

Yuki looked into Shuichi's sad and regretful eyes. He wiped his lovers tears away with his thumb and kissed his forehead.

"That doctor was scary, Yuki." Shuichi whispered, still staring into Yuki's eyes. "What he made me do..it was sick, frightening... When I was in the hospital..after I woke up I saw him there and almost panicked. At first I thought I was in hell, but then I saw the room around me and I knew better...I knew that I was alive, and he was the last person I wanted to see. He kept getting close to me, telling me things I didn't want to hear, like 'Yuki-san is here..he's going to hate you when he finds out what happened'. I tried to push him away but he kept coming, and I was just too weak and scared..."

"Shuichi..did he rape you again while you were in there?"

Shuichi sobbed and nodded. Yuki felt anger burn in his chest.

"That sick..." Yuki growled.

Shuichi looked down at his lap. "He threatened me, too. He said that if I said a word about it to you he would personally come to make sure I was taken care of.."

Yuki again grabbed Shuichi in a tight embrace. "He won't lay a finger on you, I promise."

_**I will see to it that this doctor gets what he deserves.**_

---------------------------------------

Shuichi walked into N-G Studios only to be glomped by a certain red-headed guitarist. Hiro gathered Shuichi in his arms, holding him so tight Shuichi's breath constricted.

"Shuichi, I just got the news! You idiot! Why in the world would you do something like that?!"

"Hiro...I'd rather not talk about it right now..."

Hiro let his best friend go from his death grip and stared him hard in the eye. Although Yuki had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't angry, Shuichi still felt like horrible. He felt dirty and used. Hiro could see the pain written on Shuichi's face.

"Was it something Eiri-san did?" Hiro asked. "Because if it was, Shuichi, I swear I'll..."

"No, Hiro, Yuki didn't cause it." Shuichi answered. He sighed at looked at the floor.

"Then what happened? Was it that bad that you won't tell me, your best friend, what happened?!"

Shuichi looked at Hiro. He could tell that his best friend was worried and scared. He sighed.

"It's complicated. And it's a long story."

"I'll make time."

Shuichi took Hiro's arm and led them into an empty conference room where he told him the whole story. Hiro's eyes widened as Shuichi got deeper into the story.

"That sadist bastard!"

Shuichi looked down at his feet. Why was it that the more he told the story, the lower he felt?

"Shuichi, don't you dare blame yourself! You were afraid and you just wanted to forget..No one will blame you for wanted to get away from those feelings. It's that bastard of a doctor that needs to be punished. He intimidated you, used your weakness against you, and that is unforgivable!"

Shuichi looked back up at Hiro.

"You sound just like Yuki. He said the same thing."

"Then if two people say the same thing, then it has to be true." Hiro grabbed Shuichi's shoulders. "Your only mistake was trying to...kill yourself." He said the last part of his sentence in a whisper. He looked down at his feet, his eyes full of hurt. "You really don't understand that many, many people would be crushed if you..."

"Hiro..."

Hiro hugged his best friend. He never appreciated Shuichi as much as he did at this moment.

"Send Eiri-san my regards for saving you in time, Shu." Hiro whispered in Shuichi's ear before parting from him.

Shuichi nodded.

"Hiro, how did you find out about what happened? It's not supposed to spread out to the public.."

"Seguchi called Eiri-san yesterday to ask why you have missed work these last few days without letting him know, and Yuki told him because you were in the hospital because you had a 'mental spasm'. And, knowing Seguchi, I guess he pressed it on until Eiri finally fessed up."

"No, I think Yuki was just venting to him. I do recall him on the phone late last night. He was talking really low so I didn't really understand what was being said, but I do know he sounded sad. Plus, I was too weak and tired to comprehend much. I'm better today, but Yuki wanted me to stay home. He said I was still pale but, I refused to stay home. I have work to do, so I decided to come in. I did just get out of the hospital yesterday..so I know I should be home, but I...I wanted Yuki to have some time alone, to think."

Hiro looked at Shuichi's arms. Shuichi was wearing a long sleeve but he could still see the imprint of the bandages.

"Shu..would you mind if I...looked at your arms?" Hiro asked, slightly afraid to bring it up.

Shuichi blinked at him for a moment before nodding slowly and lifting his arms up, pulling his sleeves down gently. Hiro's breath stopped when Shuichi unwrapped the bandages and revealed his stitched arms. It wasn't just a single slit down the wrist on either arm. It was one that ran from the bottom of his palm to the middle of his arm, and a series of deep cuts scattered around it. Hiro, against himself, ran his fingers gently down the wounds.

"Did it hurt?" he asked.

"At first, but for a short while. After a while I began to feel high, before I passed out. It was a good feeling actually..like everything was leaking out of me, like I was being emptied, so there was nothing left."

Hiro frowned at Shuichi's words. "So, you liked it."

"At that moment I did. Right now, I regret everything."

Hiro gently led Shuichi to a table and sat him down so he could examine his arm more thoroughly.

"What are you going to do about the scars?"

"A nurse at the hospital recommended me to someone who can do laser surgery to take the scars away. They would have glued my wounds but they said they were too deep, so they had no choice but to stitch me up. I go to that laser surgery person next week when I get these stitches out. That way the press doesn't know, and everything can go back to normal."

_**The emotional scars stay, though...**_

------------------------------------

Shuichi spent the day at work writing new lyrics. No one pressed him to do anything he didn't willingly want to do. On the contrary, he wanted to sit and write those lyrics. He felt somewhat better pouring his heart out onto the paper. After five hours he was finally finished. He read over his lyrics before handing them to Sakano to read over and pass around the room to the others.

_Wake up, wake up, love _

_I'm right here _

_Don't close, don't close your eyes on me_

_Let me gather you into myself _

_Let's forget about our pasts _

_Together, together we can heal one another_

_Make even emotional scars fade_

_Everything, everything fades with time_

_Everything except this heart of mine_

_These cold, desperate pleas for help_

_Turn to vapor as they escape my lips_

_And float away forgotten_

_All because I have you right here with me_

_I'm sorry, love, I make you hurt so _

_But when I start to leave you don't let me go_

_Never, never leave me _

_You say no, no never leave_

_But, love, everything everthing fades with time_

_Everything ,including me_

_But, for now, let's ignore the future _

_Together, together we can make it better_

_Heal, yes heal this broken heart of mine_

_Baby, everything fades with time_

_Baby, even this heart of mine_

_Baby, these cold desperate pleas for help_

_Baby, turn to vapor as they escape my lips_

_Baby, they float away forgotten_

_Baby, all because I have you right here with me_

_Wake up, wake up, love_

_Don't you die on me_

_You don't understand..._

_You're all I need_

_Don't you lay there and leave me in the present_

_A present without you_

_There is no meaning in life _

_If I'm not strong enough_

_I feel a little off, I feel a little wrong_

_Baby, baby you saved me_

_You saved me all along_

_Everything, everything fades with time_

_Everything except this heart of mine_

_These cold, desperate pleas for help_

_Turn to vapor as they escape my lips_

_Now I have no fear_

_All because, baby, you are right here_

The silence in the room was more than enough pressure on the pink-haired vocalist. He left the room in tears.

------------------------------------

Yuki called the hospital and asked for Doctor Riku Usimaki. The secretary forwarded his call.

"Mushi mushi, Dr. Riku, here."

"You are one sick bastard for manipulating Shuichi like that."

"Ah, Yuki-san, I see that Shuichi confessed to you. I should have known as much. He is weak after all." The doctor sighed, a smile on his lips. "Ah, nevertheless, I have to make him pay. I told him not to tell, and he did anyway. I can't let him get away for defying me."

Yuki, who happened to be standing outside the doctor's door, burst in.

"The only person you will be dealing with is me."

------------------------------------

Yuki left the hospital shortly after, watching as the doctor was escorted to a police car. The two shared glares as the doctor was pushed into the car roughly. Yuki had did quite a number on him. Possible broken rips, broken and bleeding nose, lips bleeding multiple places, two black eyes, and multiple bruises all over his body. It wasn't exactly the amount of damage he had wanted to put on that bastard, but it was enough. At least Yuki made his point. He left without a second thought.

-----------------------------------

Shuichi returned to the studio room after some time of sobbing in the bathroom stall. He had to admit that he felt better. He had to get rid of what last burdens he had on himself, and he guessed that he about got them out. When he came back in Sakano was already telling the others that they had already done enough and they all should go home. Shuichi was grateful.

"Great job on the lyrics, Shindo-kun." Sakana said patting him on the back.

"Arigatou."

After saying his goodbyes to Hiro, Suguru, Sakano, and K, Shuichi ran home to his Yuki, and came to find that his lover was in a suprisingly good mood.

"Yuki, tadaima!"

Yuki didn't grunt like he usually did. Instead he greeted Shuichi with a kiss on the forehead.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with my Yuki?" Shuichi said sarcastically, poking Yuki's side.

Yuki just smiled.

"That doctor is taken care of." he said to his pink-haired lover.

"Huh? Taken care of?"

"He won't bother you ever again."

"Ah, YUKI!" Shuichi said snuggling into Yuki's side. "I love you."

Yuki smiled. "I love you too, Shu."

**(A/N): Ahh, don't you just LOVE happy endings? haha. Well, since this is the end, I will give you a little thingy that tells you what happens afterwards, you know what I mean?**

**Shuichi got his stitches out, he got the laser surgery, and now they can forget about what happened. The doctor got sentenced to 10 years without parole in prison. About a month later Bad Luck had a new album out. Their hit from it was the song that Shuichi wrote. **

**And they lived happily ever after.**

**Shuichi: Wahh!! Why couldn't you say Yuki and I got happily married and adopted eleven wonderful children and...**

**Yuki: Shu, shut up before you dig yourself a grave you WON'T get out of.**

**Shuichi: ..??..**

**Yuki: Loser walks away**

**Shuichi: YUKI!! Oh, please review! runs after Yuki**


End file.
